I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
