my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
