mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
