If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
