am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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