My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
They have beer where we have blood.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
