I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
