i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
