So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you win again, gameday.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
