Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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