I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
