Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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