did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
