Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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