Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
