I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
