Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
