so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
