i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
