My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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