I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
