Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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