You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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