Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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