mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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