i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
