i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
