I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
