I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
