and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
