so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
