when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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