There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
