Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
