If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
