Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
