I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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