the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
