My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
