Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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