party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
