They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
