homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
