I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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