At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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