if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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