alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
