Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
