Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
