she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
