i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
