I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
