You're my little dorito
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
