Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
