just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
