is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
